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Monday, July 23, 2012


I have wrote so many post about racism and my lack of understanding of it.  As I have said so many times, I was raised by my Grandparents who didn't have a racist bone in their body.  I was not raised to be a racist and to treat everyone the same no matter what color they were.  Although I was raised in the country and in what I later found out to be a very racist area my Grandfather was a school teacher in a school several miles away.  He was very well liked by his students and often many of them would come to visit him after they had grown up, it wasn't uncommon at all to have not only his white students over for dinner but many black and hispanic as well.  I was very used to people of color and was never treated badly by any of his ex students.  My first boyfriend in high school was black and I never thought any thing about it, he would come to my house and I would go to his - his mother was so nice to me and my grandparents just loved him (no they did not know we were high school sweet hearts, they just thought we were good friends).  Now my mother was another story, she was always making comments to or around me about black people and I remember once a very big arguement between my grandmother and her over the fact I had a black friend, my grandmother was very strong with her statements to my mother defending me and my friend to the point that my mom got up and stormed out and I didn't see her for several weeks after that.

I personally didn't really experience racism until many years later when I move from my small town to Indianapolis.  I was working with a guy who just flat out hated me and though after some time I did earn his respect as a worker he never changed his mind about his feelings about me or my color.  Now several years later Pito and I have moved to Orlando, black people will say hi to him all the time but when I do the same they don't respond.  It's not uncommon for black people here to look right past me, through me or worse yet with hate in their eyes.  One day we were walking into Walmart and this lady was just staring at Pito as we were walking into the store, I was following behind Pito and nodded at the lady and she looked at me with such hate - as if almost to say "how dare you".   Then a few weeks later we were in the same store and someone who worked there was walking across my path so I waited on her to pass, the whole time she looked into my eyes as if to say "that's right fucker, you wait on me to pass" once she passed by me Pito seen her roll her eyes.  Now I feel like I should have just ran her fucking ass over and made her wait on me.  The treatment that I have recieved here in Orlando and made a small streak of hate in me, I'm noticing that I don't say hi as often as I used to and I often look at black people now and wonder what are they going to do to me next, I can't help but feel that all black people now hate me and I'm starting to return the favor.

I spend a great deal of time on facebook and racist statements are easy to find there, in fact it seems you can't go a day without seeing something.  Pito as some of you know has 2 profiles, 1 gay and 1 that he keeps to stay in contact with his friends and family from back in NYC.  He is all the time showing me something on his other profile where some black person is trying to make something racist out of nothing - even a box of cereal. 

I used to believe that racism was white people hating not only black people but everyone who had any shade of brown in their skin.  Now I have learned differently, I have encountered so many black people who are the biggest racist of them all.  I read a blog all the time written by a black porn acter who is always talking about the lack of "people of color" in porn.  As I read his blog I often wonder how he can say this when I see so much of it out there.  He has now started directing porn and has taken it upon himself to only film as he say, "people of color".   In the beginning I never really paid attention to his rants on this subject because I was reading his blog to learn what I could about the porn business, now I read his blog and all I see is another angry black man who hates white people, oddly enough he has a white boyfriend so how could he be a racist?  I have to laugh at myself for being so stupid, he dosent have a boyfriend he has a posession - he gets some kind of sick kick out of fucking a white man, like he owns him or is getting back at all white people for our offenses.
Back in my late 20's I was introduced to the leather scene and as you all know leather is a lot about Dom and Sub roles.  It was hot to see a man being tied up by another man and be forced into doing things, I got into this very heavy and as mostly a bottom man most people expect me to be the sub but I'm far from that - I am a very dominate btm and though I do enjoy being tied up and forced into doing things I enjoy being dominate much more even as a bottom.  Porn used to and in some circles is still full of this kind of thing (Bound Gods for example) and when you started seeing more and more black people in these roles I never thought anything about it other than 2 men doing their thing.  Sad to say that was changed a little over a year ago when I started talking to someone on facebook who once said to me, "I'll fuck a white man but I'd never let one fuck me" - I talked to him in great detail about this and he told me that his father was treated badly by some white guys back in the 50's or 60's and it left an impression on him.  Though I could kinda understand where he was coming from I still couldn't get there because the whole time I couldn't help but to think, this was years ago and it didn't happen to you, as I taked to him he couldn't give me one example of him his self being treated this way and after much thought I have decided that this person is in fact a racist because he is holding on to something that had happened to his father and not to him his self.  So I wrote it off, I still spoke to this person but never looked at him the same.  Then one day - I have to say about a year ago, I seen this picture that was taken of a black man standing in the street fully clothed talking to 2 other guys who were also fully clothed, but the 1 black man was holding a leash with a naked white man at the end of it, the white man was on his knees and even had a black eye (I really wish I had kept it so I could show you but I don't believe I have it), the picture changed me somehow.  I no longer seen the dom and sub role as hot between black and white but I seen it as a racist statement, I seen the picture as a racist treating a white man like a dog.  I now see this as someone who is making a white man pay for the past, yes we are going to go there - slavery and all that ugly stuff that happened so many years ago and I realize that even though for well over 200 years now no black person had ever been a slave and no white person has ever been a task master that the white people will never be forgiven for this and that so many black people feel as if they were still slaves.
Today I think was a breaking point for me, I seen this picture on facebook;

The original picture was posted by a black man and then it was shared by another black man, of course I had to make a comment about it saying that this was a racist statement, the person who shared it simply said to me and I quote, "The truth HURTS".
Yes this pictue hurt but not because of what it says but that someone who is black is making this into a racist thing instead of what it really is.

Today I realise that racism will go on for many many years no matter how I act or that I have a black husband, the fact that I support a black President 100%, no matter how nice I am to people on the street or how many people I say hi too or try to help - people are always gonna hate me because I happen to be white.  Today I am faced with the question that I have been asking myself for so long now -

"Have I been changed somehow, have I somehow become or am I becoming the very thing that I have stood up against for so long?  Am I becoming or am I a racist because of the treatment I have been recievening for so long?  I am very afraid of this answer because I already know -
Yes I have been changed and not for the good of anyone..."